


Something that isn't Ruined

by ComposerEgg



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Episode 159, Prompt Fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-03
Updated: 2019-11-03
Packaged: 2021-01-21 01:06:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21291185
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ComposerEgg/pseuds/ComposerEgg
Summary: Hope hurts.Which is why he tries to dissuade Martin. To dissuade himself (he would’ve been a good candidate for the Lonely, if the Eye hadn’t marked him as its own).
Relationships: Martin Blackwood/Jonathan Sims
Comments: 22
Kudos: 112





	Something that isn't Ruined

**Author's Note:**

> prompted by the wonderful [Jay](https://enoughofabastardtobeworthknowing.tumblr.com/) on tumblr :D
> 
> The prompt: ❛how can i love something that isn’t ruined?❜ hurt/comfort JonMartin
> 
> You can find this on Tumblr [here](https://composeregg.tumblr.com/post/188780349093/)

Jon knows himself.

Knows that when he loves, he loves wholly, and deeply. Once he crosses that threshold and lets himself _feel_, there’s no going back. 

He also knows that the everyone and everything he loves end up getting _hurt_. They fall apart, an explosion of glass shards. He stands too close to the fire, and when inevitably, when those he cares about will get burned by the flame.

So it’s better, then, to rebuke any attempts to get close to him. Jon can suffer in this horrible heat, but if he _really_ cares, then he ought to push them away before they share the same fate.

(Later, after his hand is burned, he’ll put a name to this wicked fate. The Desolation _must_ be out to ruin any chance of happiness for him.)

And Martin?

Martin doesn’t deserve this cruel curse.

His parents suffered while he was so _young_. A burden to his grandmother. Kids his age learned to stay away, because he made them easy targets for bullies. By college, it was easier to stand apart from the crowd. Georgie was nice, and for a moment, he let himself hope. 

Hope _hurts_. 

Which is why he tries to dissuade Martin. To dissuade himself (he would’ve been a good candidate for the Lonely, if the Eye hadn’t marked him as its own).

Martin, who is sweet, and kind. Too _much_. Bringing him tea, asking how he is, even after Jon’s repeated attempts to push back, snide comments and pointed words. 

Really, everything that’s happened to Martin since they moved to the archives can be blamed on him, can’t it? Prentiss at his apartment, in the tunnels. _I’m sorry I left you_, as if that wasn’t exactly what Jon deserved. Losing Sasha and Tim, letting Elias pull the strings. Letting _Peter_ have his way.

Hope hurts. But...

He really can’t stop it from forming, bubbling up in his chest as he and Martin leave the Lonely, _together_. If he’s being honest with himself, it’s been there for a long time, getting harder and harder to lock away. 

Now it bursts, and he lets out a wet laugh, rubbing the tears away with his sleeve.

“Jon? Are you alright?” Martin’s looking down at him, concern etched in his face.

“I--I’m fine, Martin,” he says, taking a breathe. “I just-- God. I’m-- I’m not _good_, at this, you know? I thought I was getting better at this, because whenever I start to _care_, I always become a source of pain. How can I _love_ something--someone--that isn’t ruined by being too close to me? It seems like the only thing I can safely let love me is misery.”

If he has more to say, the thoughts don’t coalesce into words, because Martin’s arms are wrapped around him _tight_. He’s held close, and Martin is soft, and warm, and the fog of being Forsaken is behind them. Whatever traces of mist still clinging to their skin banished with the embrace.

“Don’t you dare let yourself get caught up in those thoughts. I know what Peter’s poison sounds like, and it sounds like that.”

“Mm.” Jon leans his head on Martin’s chest, feeling the rumble of his speech, listening to his heartbeat. A steady pulse, solid, _here_. “It’s not just that place,” he mumbles. “I’ve--I’ve thought that for a while. Just brought it to the forefront, I guess.”

“Well,” Martin says, carding his fingers through Jon’s hair. “Just because you’ve thought something doesn’t make it _true_. It’s easier to blame yourself when bad things happen, because then it feels like you can control the pain in the future, even if that’s not how the world works.”

Martin doesn’t stop, even as Jon shudders against him. “The truth is? Sometimes things just hurt, and you can’t control it. Sometimes bad things happen, but that doesn’t mean you’ve _ruined_ anything. By limiting yourself for fear of hurting, you’re also stopping yourself from doing _good. _Stopping yourself from sharing happiness and love, from helping others.”

The dam breaks. 

The carefully constructed wall, holding back decades of pain, bursts. 

A sob escapes him as he buries his head in Martin’s sweater. These are words he needed to hear, desperate heart _aching_ every moment he spent pulling away. An ache so deep in his chest that he doesn’t know how to live without it, how to get _rid_ of it. 

“I’m sorry,” he murmurs, “I’ve been a fool.”

Martin _snorts_, and the sound is so sharp that Jon’s head snaps up to look at him, an eyebrow raised above his puffy red eyes.

“You don’t have an exclusive claim to foolishness, you know? I mean, sure, jumping into the Lonely after me was pretty foolish, but I’m the one who got stuck there first.”

There’s a dull _thud_ as Jon’s head meets Martin’s chest again. “You know that’s not what I mean. After--_everything_.”

“Yeah, I know, and we’ll talk more about that later I’m sure, along with the _depths_ of our apparent childhood traumas. But we’re both here, right now. And neither of us are _ruined_. Maybe a few pieces of ourselves have broken, but that doesn’t mean we can’t patch them up, and healing is easier when you have others.”

Hope _hurts_, because it always ends in pain, but...

Martin’s words make him _want_ to hope again.

_Martin_ makes him want to _live_ again.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! If you liked it pls drop me a comment below, I love feedback!!!
> 
> [prompt-list here! If you want to send one in you can!](https://composeregg.tumblr.com/post/188770875363/)
> 
> [For statements about transformative works based on mine and concrit, check out my profile page linked here!](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ComposerEgg/profile)  
(summary: I love it all)


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